


Outplacement Service

by TheDooms



Category: Villainous (Cartoon)
Genre: Black Hat's an Asshole, But he's not heartless, Dr. Flug is evil, You gotta be to work with Black Hat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-10 22:19:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13510920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDooms/pseuds/TheDooms
Summary: Dr. Flug has an idea for a new service. Black Hat's willing to listen.





	Outplacement Service

Dr. Flug sat at his desk in the lab. It was an honestly quiet day. Demencia had scored two tickets to the latest rock concert, and with Flug and especially Black Hat being busy, she had opted to take 5.0.5., the bear happily lumbering after Demencia after a promise to get ice cream as a reward for keeping her happy. Which left Flug with his work.

Black Hat managed a great business on his own, but he had trusted Dr. Flug with managing the latest orders of products from villains. Despite the mishaps during the commercial, the Medusa Device was selling like hotcakes...as well as replacement Gorgon heads to power it. The mad scientist scrolled through his emails, hundreds of orders from various villains asking for the statue-makers, as well as bills, job applications, chat requests from Dr. Pill...

"Wait, what?" Dr. Flug looked around conspiratorially. Black Hat would know if he spoke of their plans, but otherwise he didn't quite care. So, with some small amount of trepidation, Dr. Flug opened the chat.

Before he had been a villainous scientist, he had been a heroic one. And Dr. Pill had been one of his colleagues. It had been at least a year since he had last spoken to the doctor, and due to the amount of questions asked, he imagined it had been a hero on Pill's account. Curious, he began to type.

_Dr. F: Hello? Dr. Pill?_

_Dr. P: Hey there, Flug! How's it going? Still working for Black Hat?_

_Dr. F: Yes, as a matter of fact, I am._

_Dr. P: Great, great. Look, can I ask you a question?_

_Dr. F: Sure._

_Dr. P: Does he...take credit for your inventions?_

Uh-Oh. Dr. Flug was worried now. It was something of an unspoken rule in the hero/villain circles. If someone does your work for you, you give them credit for their work. He grabbed an inconsequential machine Black Hat wasn't interested in selling, and cracked it open. Just below the demon's insignia was "created by Dr. Flug Slys." He took a picture with his phone, and immediately heard a growl, from nowhere, and everywhere at once.

"I'm just proving a point sir!" he called to the ceiling, and showed that the entire picture was taken up by that singular credit. The growling slowly stopped as Black Hat was appeased. He posted the picture in the chat.

_Dr. F: Of course. Check it out. Are you still working for Commander Strong?_

_Dr. P: UUUUUGH yes. And let me tell ya, it's been a nightmare. When he's not taking credit for my work, he's blaming me whenever ANYTHING goes wrong. I tell ya, it's enough to make a guy give up on this frikkin' meathead._

Dr. Flug's eyebrow rose. He had an idea, grinning widely under his paper bag, he continued the conversation.

_Dr. F: Really? Is it that bad?_

_Dr. P: Of course! I get no credit for my work, I get blamed for the littlest thing going wrong, the pay is crap, no days off, no vacation, and I have to deal with that BLOCKHEAD all day and all night! I get calls at 3 AM! Maybe working with the villains WOULD be better._

_Dr. F: Well, Black Hat gives me two days off a week, mandatory vacation, a month of sick days, and I get pretty much unlimited funding. The Black Hat Organization pays pretty well, so long as you don't waste money. Even the horrible experiments get paid. Heck, I even get dental._

_Dr. P: ...Seriously? Seriously, you work for the most vile villain known to herokind, and you get paid a ton of money, paid vacation, sick days, and all that? That's it, I QUIT. Can you get me an in on a villain?_

Flug thought about that for a moment. Black Hat paid him well enough, but the days off were mostly because Flug enjoyed the work so much he tended to pass out as his desk. Black Hat was a monster of purest evil, but he knew how to keep an employee loyal.

_Dr. F: I'll see what I can do._

_Dr. P: Great, thanks. Oh, and if they've got an opening for something besides a scientist, I'd be grateful. I never wanna look at a circuit board again._

_Dr F: That certainly makes things easier. Wait a bit._  And then he closed his laptop and walked to Black Hat's office. The massive imposing doors (of course, shaped like a hat) loomed before him. He slowly knocked, and the doors crept open with an ominous creak.

"Come in, Flug." Black Hat hissed, and Dr. Flug stepped inside. His boss' voice still creeped him out. It was obviously cockney, but with an accent he just couldn't place, and something darker under that that made his bones tremble. "I trust that you have something important for my ears if you've stopped getting the orders in place, Flug..." He hissed, turning his chair around to look his chief scientist/second-in-command in the eye.

"Y-Yes sir! I have an idea for a new product. Or rather, service sir!" Black Hat's eyes narrowed, but he didn't immediately tell Dr. Flug to get back to work, so he continued. "An, an Outplacement Agency sir! You helped me do work I really enjoy, and we can make a profit off of that! There's got to be an exploitable market of disenfranchised sidekicks, scientists and other employees of heroes, and we can help them find new work with villains! Think of it sir! A sizable profit margin, AND we undermine the heroes of the world, all at the same time! We just make anyone who wants to be a scientist sign a No-Compete Agreement, so we can keep our market share! What do you think?"

Black Hat didn't respond at first, his visible eye narrowing as if waiting for Dr. Flug to continue, when he didn't, Black Hat's neutral expression broke, and a wide grin almost literally split his face in half. "Get the Cam-Bot, Flug. We have a commercial to shoot."  
\------------------------------------------------------

Across the world, a message was broadcast to a very specific frequency, and the lackeys of heroes around the world entered the secret URL, seeing the insignia like a top hat clued them in to what they were looking at. Dr. Pill had spread the word fast, like wildfire. Villains across the world were also watching, interested to see what service Black Hat was offering now.

"Greetings, villains. Black Hat, here to sell you an invaluable service! How often have you kidnapped a hero's most valuable employee, only to realize they don't exactly feel valued? Well, the Black Hat Outplacement Agency is here to help those employees feel like they're doing something worthwhile! Here to explain it, my own very valued second-in-command, Dr. Flug!"

Black Hat stepped off-camera, and Flug waved, a smile obvious under his paper bag. "I used to work for heroes, and let me tell you, it was awful. As a scientist, I'm not looking for much. Praise for a job well done and some credit in public, and certainly not to be blamed for every little thing that goes wrong. Villains are much happier to provide these things than glory-hog heroes are, so let the Black Hat Outplacement Agency send you somewhere you really want to be! Our perfect computer algorithm will match an unsatisfied employee with a villain looking for those talents. Are you a villain with children? Babysitter volunteers are standing by! Are you terrible in the kitchen? We can get you in contact with a fantastic cook! All these poor disenfranchised employees want is to do work they enjoy and be appreciated for it. As well as decent days off, and such." Black Hat shoved Dr. Flug away, his omnipresent grin even wider at such a good testimonial.

"So don't wait! Quit your terrible job and let Black Hat Outplacement Agency match you with the perfect villainous employers! Don't wait! Call 555-BLACK-HAT and enjoy new villainous employment. However, be warned that due to a conflict of interest, scientists in your employ will have to sign a non-compete agreement, which will be enforced by the Black Hat Organization's lawyers. _**With extreme prejudice.**_ Enjoy!" Then Cam-Bot shut off, and Black Hat turned to his scientist. "An excellent idea, Flug. Why, I'd have never thought to undermine the heroes by simply offering better employment opportunities. Such subtle evil, there may yet be hope for you!"

"Th-Thank you sir!" Flug saluted, and Black Hat checked his watch, his grin turning from maniacal to subtly malicious.

"Good. Keep an eye on the website made, but otherwise, take the rest of the day off." He said, sauntering back to the mansion. "Tell your friends of our new service, and we'll be swimming in orders all weekend."

"Er...J-Jefe?" Flug said quietly, surprised by the boss' kindness. In return, Black Hat's head turned, but his body didn't, and Flug couldn't help but jump.

"The Black Hat Organization needs innovators like you, Flug. And if you're overworked, then our services will suffer. I've got plenty of...interns, to maintain the orders. If they do a good job over the weekend, I'll consider taking a bit off your workload."

"That seems...awfully generous sir...and expensive."

"We'll have more than enough money after fleecing your old friends to get them where they want to be, and besides, you should know, Dr. Flug..." Black Hat's voice turned even darker, as if the unknown madness in his voice was clawing it's way out of his boss' throat. "It's not about the money. It never has been. It's always been about _**spreading evil, undermining good, and destroying happiness in the universe.**_ Some new employees who will answer to you will be the least of my worries." The madness faded, and Flug almost couldn't stop the shivers running through his body as Black Hat regained his composure. "Enjoy your weekend, Dr. Flug. On Monday, I expect you to be well-rested. There will be a lot of work to do."

"Y-Yes sir, Mister Black Hat, sir!" Flug saluted, then wondered what to do with himself. Black Hat would likely have the lab locked. After a moment, he shrugged and headed back inside. Maybe there was a scientist's convention on the weekend.  
\-----------------------------------------------------

A few months later, Flug sat with his colleagues once more at a round table. There was indeed a scientist's convention in town, and most of the attendees were now working for various villains, and Flug had never seen Dr. Pill happier, a large toque on his head as he sipped what was some incredible wine, an apron replacing his lab coat. He had been Terrorsaur's new head chef, and was quite relaxed. Several other scientists sat at the round table, trading old stories of their incompetent former bosses.

"I swear, you couldn't let Commander Strong touch ANYTHING delicate! He had a lot less control over his strength than he liked to think. He's awful." Doctor, or rather, Chef Pill shook his head shamefully. "Terrorsaur appreciates my talents! I made creme brulee! And he liked it! Commander Strong hated anything that wasn't filled with cow meat! I was SO tired of burgers!" The gathered scientists were having a riot at that.

Dr. Gina sighed. "I swear, Lady Greycloud's kids are a lot less of a handful than the Justice Society." She sighed, now wearing much more casual clothes. "Johny and Sammy will eat anything, and they're so well-behaved! There was a massive fight at the Justice Society's HQ almost every three days! I don't mind being a live-in nanny so long as I don't have to go back!" She said as she took a swig of her wine.

Black Hat and the villains sat at another table, cackling at them stealing employees, right out from under the heroes noses. Yes, the new Outplacement Agency service had been doing quite well, and the villains were much more satisfied now that they had babysitters, chefs, janitors, and other employees.

 _It's good to be a villain._  Black Hat, the gathered villains, and the employees all thought at once.


End file.
